oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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