So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
