True but thats because hes a fetus.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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