i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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