Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
