tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
