I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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