Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
