the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
