If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
