She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
