Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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