So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
