im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Drunk is not a location!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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