I don't usually arrange sex via text message
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
