I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
