guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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