I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The Olympian is in my bed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
