Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
