I didn't shave. On purpose
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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