you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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