why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
