I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Randomize
