please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
