She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
