He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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