I just saw a hot homeless man
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
