she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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