She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
