I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he laminated a picture of his dick.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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