My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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