My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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