I cannot find my penis.
This girl is more easily done than said...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
