Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
