I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
