My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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