i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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