When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
