I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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