The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
