i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
