i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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