She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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