Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
