Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
