I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
