Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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