Plan B is the new Plan A
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
