I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
