He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
