NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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