Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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