i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
