i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize