if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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