Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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