2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
